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7 unexpected perks of being in a relationship

1. Other People Are Tricked Into Thinking You Have Your Shit Together

Although the thinking here is logical (if someone could tolerate your general existence, you must have at least one or two redeeming qualities), it’s definitely taken a bit too far. Because when it comes down to it, the main difference between being single and being in a relationship — at least for a dude — is that your emoji-per-text ratio increases by about 3,000. What this has to do with having your shit together, I’m not exactly sure.

2. The Power Of Dual Motivation

My homeboy Social Norms is always talking about how when he’s in a relationship, he stops working out and ends up gaining like 20 pounds. While that may be Norman’s experience, I’ve found the opposite — I’ve found that when there’s someone to whom you want to better yourself for (be it fitness-wise, career-wise, or spicy jalapeno eating-wise), the motivation is not only greater, but less angry and Megadeth-ridden.

Note that I’m not advocating turning into one of those dreaded running couples, or one of those couples that joins the intramural softball team and then shames everyone who shows up late eating hot dogs — as there is certainly a fine line between embracing a healthy lifestyle, and systematically losing all your friends. But I am saying that if you find the right person, you might find yourself wanting to work out more.

3. Cheese Expertise

A few weeks ago, I was back in my hometown of Smithtown, New York, food shopping with my younger sister. We were instructed to pick out cheeses for an hors-deurves type shindig, the primary intention of which was for everyone to lie about how well things were going, and then avoid tackling any insecurities or vulnerabilities by commenting on how good the cheese was.

Anyway, I ended up giving my sister a five minute lecture about the various types of cheeses that go well with various types of drinks — an out of body, Hulk-like experience that I honestly didn’t even know I had in me.

I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen when you’re single, as single people generally do not spend their Saturday nights talking about how they could totally taste a hint of truffles in the Pecorino.

4. Professional Drink Holder

One time, my girlfriend and I were at a crowded bar. She had to leave to take a call for a second. She then proceeded to get somewhat concerned, because she was going outside and thus had to leave her just-purchased drink.

A bit confused, I told her that I could just hold her drink until she got back. Experiencing some sort of ecstatic epiphany, she proceeded to tell me that this was one of the top 3, if not the best uses of having a boyfriend ever — proceeding to explain to me that if I hadn’t been there, she probably would’ve had to abandon the drink. It was truly a fantastic moment for everyone involved.

5. Reasonable Bed Sheets

Earlier this morning, I changed my bed sheets. If I were single, I’d probably not get around to doing this until Hillary Clinton’s 2017 inauguration ceremony.

6. The Get Out Of Plans Free Card

A few weeks ago, I was asked if I had any July 4th plans. Knowing that I was about to be invited up to New Hampshire for 3 days, I put on a classic “I wish I could…but” grimace, and wistfully told my friend that I had other plans — that I was going to my girlfriends’ aunts Jersey shore house for the weekend. Of course, it was now imperative that I tell my girlfriend that if anyone asked, we were going to her aunts’ shore house.

Alas, I did not get to my girlfriend in time, and what resulted was a Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque situation in which it was very clear that I did not have any July 4th plans, and was merely being a minor asshole by abusing the power of the girlfriend card. That said, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to be a minor asshole. Because although it got declined in this situation, the girlfriend card is most definitely the most valuable thing in my wallet.

7. Street Fairs, Sitting On Benches, And Walking Around Eating Fro-Yo

As a single guy, you can’t really go to any of these activities without there being a specific connotation — a dude going to food fair is probably going there to pick up chicks, a single dude sitting on a bench probably needs therapy, and a single dude eating Fro Yo is probably getting made fun of by one of his friends. And while I’m doing nothing except further perpetuating these stereotypes, I always found that to be very annoying.
All three of these things are a lot more fun when you have someone to share inside jokes with, hold hands until both your hands get too sweaty, and instagram a picture whilst simultaneously agreeing how silly instagram has become. Because at the end of the day…when it really comes down to it…when the sandcastle splashes against the ocean, crumbles, and makes the 8 year-old who built it cry…that’s what a great, loving ‘ship is all about.

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