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we always want the love we can’t have

Maybe we like to be broken. Maybe the reason why we chase after the unattainable, after the ones we know will ultimately break our hearts in the end, is that we’ve lived so long with rejection. It’s easy to love someone who will never love you back because it’s all in your head. You can imagine all these scenarios, plan out your life together, pretend that maybe someday, they’ll open their eyes and see that you’re the one after all, that you’ve been here all along, anchoring them to the ground while they’ve been chasing daydreams.

But what happens when someone wants you first? You don’t know what to do; it’s a foreign feeling, being wanted. It shouldn’t be — you’re everything you want to be, everything you know you should be. But you’ve spent so long longing for those who clearly don’t feel the same way that you shy away from the attention. You hold on to the hope that maybe one day, that unrequited love will someday turn into requited love.

And you let the ones who actually want you go, in fear that once you are seen with them, those you want will see you as forever tarnished. Or you begin to doubt those that want you, begin to doubt the sincerity of their feelings. Why do they want you? Why should they want you? And what if, one day, they wake up and decide that they don’t want you anymore? It’s better to love unrequitedly, because when your heart breaks, only you know, and only you mourn.

It’s a constant kind of pain. It’s a pain that you’re used to, seeing all your friends pair up slowly, one by one, seeing them happy and content, helping them through their problems and hoping for the best. It’s a pain that you’re used to, watching the boy you like dance with that girl he’s been eying all night or confess his love for the girl he’s been chatting up all year. It’s a pain that you’re used to, a bitterness that stays by your side, and sharpness that remains on your tongue. Most days, you convince yourself that you’re happy. That you don’t need anyone but yourself. That this is your life, your world, and that the right one will come when the time is right.

But some days, you can’t quite keep up that facade. Some days, you wonder if the right one has already passed you by, or if the right one will never come. Or if you found the right one for you, but you weren’t the right one for him. Some days, you’re convinced that you’ll die alone, because you’re a terrible person and who could ever love you and no one truly understands you and all you want is someone to hold you and tell you it’s ok but no one does and no one will and ultimately that’s the saddest thing about it all. But then some days you’re confused.

Because why are there so many people happily in love when you’ve never even come close to that? It makes you wonder what exactly is wrong with you. But I’m okay, you tell yourself, because I won’t settle for less. And you don’t. Take me as I am, or don’t have me at all, .

But when you’re so desperate for love, you change yourself to fit their needs. You live and breathe for the person whom you want to love you, plan your life around theirs. They are the center of your world, but more often than not, you aren’t the center of theirs. And that’s the tragedy of it all — we chase after those we want but can never have, while we exploit those who are patiently waiting on us, only to find that one day, it’ll be too late and they too, will be gone. And you’ll be left alone, once again. Alone. We always want what we can’t have, and that is what destroys us in the end.

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