Being kindhearted is both a blessing and a curse.
It’s a character trait admired by many and possessed by few, but quite often, the ever-so peppy smile plastered across your face can make you or break you.
Growing up, I’ve experienced this bizarre catch-22 firsthand. The happy demeanor and selfless ideals I’ve been taught from day one have worked in my favor multiple times, but they’ve also been the root of various downfalls.
When you are “too nice,” you give people the benefit of the doubt. You automatically assume everyone is looking out for your best interest because you are looking out for their best interest.
You find yourself going out of your way for your peers on a regular basis, constantly wondering if they would do the same for you — and, in most cases, they won’t.
At the end of the day, you weigh all of your decisions on karma. You have faith that for every deed you do for someone else, something good will happen for you in return.
In a perfect world, this would happen. Maybe, then, kindness wouldn’t be mistaken for weakness.
But, in the meantime, we need to steer clear of the fine line that lies between being a nice person and being a doormat.
Throughout various sleepless nights of overthinking my naïve thoughts and actions, I’ve finally realized how to conquer the “nice girl” façade without becoming a total bitch. And I’ve become a lot stronger because of it.
Don’t get me wrong; being a kindhearted person is the best kind of person to be because, hey, you won’t get far in life with a sh*tty attitude.
Yet, you need to know how to balance your thoughtfulness and forgiving demeanor with your rightful need as a human being to be taken seriously and to be respected.
But, before I go further, I want to make it clear that I am not trying to blow sunshine up my own ass in persuasion I’m some sort of Godsend. I am by no means an angel; I’ve just witnessed the bullsh*t that stems from bad people using those with good intentions to their own advantage, and quite frankly, I think it’s lame. I think it’s super lame.
So take it from me, the “nice girl,” don’t be afraid to add a little salt to your sweet tendencies because the following struggles you face as an overly-nice person can be fixed if you just grow a backbone:
I can’t even count the amount of times in my life when there may have well been footprints plastered across my face.
Why? Because there are people out there who will take advantage of everything you selflessly offer, whether or not they are friends, a boyfriend, an acquaintance, or even a complete stranger.
Yet, there’s a simple solution to this downward spiral of oblivion, which we “nice folk” succumb to: Speak your damn mind! Just because you’re a people pleaser by nature doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in what’s wrong and what’s right.
Stand up for yourself; those who respect you will admire the fact you can say what you need to say in a peaceful manner.
Sometimes, when you’re an optimistic person who sees the glass as “half full,” you are mistaken for being oblivious to the negativity that exists in the world around you.
Not only is this sentiment belittling, but it is also complete and utter bullsh*t.
Just because you chose not to dwell on the toxic nonsense of everyday life doesn’t mean you are unaware of it; it just means you would rather think about the things that make you happy, instead.
Most of the time, this creates an aura that people often diminish, but, in the end, the joke is on them. Why? Because we are capable of taking a negative situation and finding the silver lining in it, while those who call us “naïve” aren’t even able to see past the problem.
Keep up the optimism, and believe in your intelligence. An educated, yet positive attitude is admirable.
I’ll admit it: I have an extremely bubbly personality. I smile like it’s nobody’s business and laugh to lighten any and every awkward situation I come across. Therefore, I am rarely taken seriously when need be.
When you’re as carefree and happy-go-lucky as f*cking Buddy The Elf, people will think of your optimism as oblivion and disregard any valid point you try to make.
To prevent this, you need to understand that having a resting nice face does not take away your intelligence, so own it.
One major downfall of being too nice is giving people the benefit of the doubt when they definitely don’t deserve it.
Trust me, I’m not one to hold grudges, but I have fallen victim to forgiving people too quickly and being f*cked over by them directly after. It’s not fun. In fact, it leaves you feeling pretty darn stupid.
To resolve this minor issue without becoming spiteful and full of resentment, you need to be more careful with who you trust.
Always keep in mind those who are looking out for your best interest and those who are looking out for their own.
Now, for the kicker: Being too nice and being in love with the wrong person might as well be a recipe for disaster.
When you start caring about someone, you do everything in your power to make that person smile. Why? Because when the person you care for is happy, you’re happy. You’re just wired that way.
If I can pin you correctly, you probably have a heart of gold and willingly change your priorities to fit your significant other’s schedule — not because you need to, but because you want to.
You fall in love easily, and you tend to look at the good qualities of your love interest and ignore the bad. Of course, this fairytale comes crashing down pretty quickly when you stop receiving equal effort in the relationship.
Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend got comfortable with your generosity, or maybe he or she hasn’t fallen as hard as you have.
To a kind soul like yourself, this could be devastating.
Yet, there is a simple solution that will prevent a heartbreak without being completely jaded: knowing your self-worth. By understanding the kindness you undoubtedly embody, you will soon understand you mustn’t settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Wait for the “nice” guy or girl. Stop searching for jerks, and seek someone who will appreciate your selfless efforts.
Once you find that special person who worships your sweet disposition, your overly-nice personality will never be an issue again.
Hate them.
Think of all the things that person did wrong, and how now you have a broken heart to deal with only because of their existence. Blame them for the days that are never ending and blur together. The days that only have life when something reminds you of them. Pick out every mistake they have ever made, and pretend that only those moments added together resulted in the shattering of all your hopes. Think that they are why you can never love again, that you are irrefutably broken and becoming a bit mad. Delete all the text messages. Ignore all their friends. Tell yourself that it’s because of them that you cry yourself to sleep each night and why the anxiety nearly suffocates you.
Breathe. Count to ten. Then count to twenty.
Take a step back. Think of all the moments where you caused them any pain. Sit with all your mistakes, and wish you could take all of them back, not to get the person back but to keep that person’s heart whole, new, without the cracks ready to give way under the pressure of losing someone. Deal with the harsh reality of having a role in the demise of a beautiful thing. Have a daily war between forgetting them effortlessly and then remembering every single moment with tedious clarity. Try to find them in other people, and realize how everyone falls just a bit short. Absorb how you look for ridiculous things in a new partner, like if when they eat, they vaguely remind you of a baby animal. Or if their feet look cute in socks or not. Or if looking at them makes you feel the impossible contradiction of an erratic heartbeat but a peaceful mind all at once.
Delete pictures one by one.
Or be a little weak and put them in a far away place you can’t get to every day. Act like you’re doing better. Let your friends think that you’ve moved on. Let yourself think you have too. Give into the reality on some nights and look back at old memories. Be cognizant of the fact that they deserve better than the broken pieces that both of you could not put back together. Slowly come to terms with the fact that they will not be coming back, that maybe they shouldn’t be coming back, and so you must stop waiting.
Wonder if the new girl they will love will be all the good things that you aren’t. Genuinely hope that she is. Inadvertently smile when you picture them with someone other than you.
Fast forward ten years, to where you stumble upon the place of memories.
Go through each one, feeling the pit of nostalgia forming with every remembrance. Think of how it was to be young, and how love seemed a bit simpler the first time around. Wonder what that person is doing right that second. Make up your mind that they’re doing well because you had a glimpse into their soul at one point in time, and they were filled with nothing but overwhelming brilliance.
Thank them, finally without any doubts, for the lessons that carried you through the past ten years- for the people you avoided, the people you loved, the people who are in your life now. Wish to reconnect and reminisce over what you still consider significant, impactful, transcendent. However, let go of this notion and keep it firmly in uncharted territory. Let that person be happy without you, and be okay with it. Vow to think of them more often now because connections like those are meant to last a lifetime, in any possible way.
Hope that they think of you too.
I firmly believe that there is someone (likely more than one) for everyone.
However, the idea that you need to “be yourself” and they will magically pop out of the woodwork when you aren’t actively TRYING (in all senses of the word) is a really slippery slope. Yes, you need to be yourself when you are looking for someone but consider that the best possible version of yourself is really what you need.
Would you go on a first date without showering or getting dressed?
Would you skip grooming entirely and scream at the waiter?
I sure hope not (if this is the case, we have more things to talk about).
While you want to portray an accurate picture of who you are, dating is still MARKETING. In order to get the best possible person in your life, you will need to up your game to attract them.
One day I hit upon a powerful realization that changed my whole attitude about dating. I did a common exercise where I wrote down all of the things I wanted in “The One.”
After looking over my list, I realized that in essence I was looking for someone who I woke up every morning excited to be with. When I had the epiphany that for this relationship to be as magical as I hoped, they had to be thrilled to be with me in return; it hit me like a ton of bricks.
In my current state, I wasn’t a good vibrational match for what I wanted to attract.
Would a guy who was in great emotional and physical shape want someone prone to depression and a good 40 pounds overweight?
Probably not. And if he did start dating me, the loving, kind, sweet guy I pictured would eventually feel disappointed. Being the nice guy I imagined him to be, he would never start making proclamations about me seeing a therapist or losing weight, but he might feel disappointed enough to not feel like he got an amazing deal when he was dating me. Clearly, disappointment and resentment is the archenemy of a solid, lasting partnership.
•Do you want someone to reluctantly give up their search for the right person and settle for you?
•Do you want someone to think, “well this is the best I can do?” and embark upon their boring new life with you?
•Do you want them to eye the door every time someone else comes along?
Me either. I shudder at the thought! I’d be willing to bet that you want someone who can’t believe they are so lucky to be with you and vice versa! In order to get that, you are most likely going to have to up your game.
Dating is a marketplace like any other.
Say you are shopping for a house. You have a set budget. You go out and look at two homes that are side-by-side, same neighborhood, square footage etc. For the same price, you can choose either: house A, a fixer-upper that has been ransacked and needs new everything or house B that has been meticulously maintained with tender, loving care.
Which do you pick?
All other things being equal, I’d be willing to bet that you would choose house B unless you are a masochist who loves spending time and money on home improvement.
Dating is like that. Consider that the people out there who you are interested in dating, your target market, can choose you or they can choose your competition. Can you really blame them?
Everyone is out to get a good deal.
This leads me to the point. In a world of nearly infinite choices, what would you rather do? Would you rather fix yourself up emotionally and physically and start developing the attitude that you are worth having someone great just like you, or would you rather represent the fixer upper to potential mates? If you aren’t attracting the right people, it’s time to look within.
Obviously there are things you can’t change, but a lot that you can. You can work on your emotional environment. You can reduce stress. You can get in better shape mentally AND physically. You can work to improve your life so that potential mates would jump at the chance to be a part of it.
In essence, the best way to attract the right person is to be the right person.
The choice is yours.
Finding the right guy is never easy. I see so many girls in relationships that are unhealthy and bring them down. Many girls try to justify why they stay in bad relationships. With a culture that has become accustomed to hooking up, I know many girls who truly don’t understand what it means to be treated “right” by a guy. However, when a guy likes a girl, it is obvious. There will be no doubt in your head that this guy is going to make the best boyfriend. If he does these 10 things, I think you’ve got a keeper.
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“True love” is an ideal, attractive thought, but it isn’t always quite as perfect as we think. True love isn’t fancy dinners and always being so perfect. It’s about spending a lifetime together and enjoying all of the simplest pleasures. It’s about the beauty of your life.
True love is constructed of a million moments with one another in many different ways.
Illustrator Nidhi Chanani created a series of sweet images showing what true love really looks like. Enjoy!
kagekiso 